My eyes are full of clouds and every-Me from young girl up to now. It's like I never moved from the lawn of my parents' house. I'm still a child. Gazing up at summer in vast blue above. I am at home. Not because of childhood security, god no. My family's a limping disaster. We wear Misery as Sunday best. The rest of the week is unendurably ragged. But when I connect with bright sky this August day, I am safe. Complete. I'm on Earth gazing up at my own Eternity.
It isn’t really a god-moment, not in the usual way. So maybe it is. But really it's more a sort of cosmic hug. Which sounds even worse if you abhor this almost mystic sort of chatter. And when I say hug, think more the embrace you give a loved one when you know they're heading off to try and achieve the impossible. Like slay a dragon, get a job, pass the exam you know they haven't studied for. Resigned, accepting, a touch of "oh shit, I love you whatever" about it all.
I know that my heart dreams will be preciously unfulfilled. I am awed and maybe just a little scared too - of what is to come. I can't see the details but I sense the scheme. Probably a mercy. If I see the small print, I'll have to quit. Prescience is so natural. I've always known that 5 is just a starting point for awareness. But in a scientific medic family I keep such thoughts to myself. They are too far up their own unhappy backsides to want to hear about my private world of knowings anyhow.
