inevitable ramblings

omg! How prophetic was that? I felt a gutting coming on and it did. Thank god Henry was already on painkillers when it happened. We should all be so lucky, eh?

This book has been an awesome journey and now I am bereft. It became deeply personal because it unexpectedly described my life. That twisted curiosity of "what if" plus deja vu. Separation, loss and soulmate dramas, played out in such a way that to think you have anything more than miniscule control in the Bigger Picture is absurd.

I've fought “what is” like a warrior. I'd have been less wounded if I hadn't. There's a devastating beauty in acceptance – not the doormat kind, of course, that’s nasty stuff. Though it's in the cosmic script, labeled "being responsible to/for self." So maybe there's a devastating beauty in everything.

I'm still unsure about control/fate but more open to believing some things are innately unalterable. They're going to happen, get used to it. It's devastatingly beautiful in a bizarre way. Scary too. I can only really be in charge of my own next step. If someone's going to die, I really can't change that. I should know, it's happened several times and it was always well out of my reach to prevent it. Though I tried. Lost myself trying. That doesn't mean I can't make any number of differences, some of them even for the better, but there are some events I cannot touch. It's just not allowed. Try it and see. Events will just re-coil and re-assert Plan A under the guise of Plan B.

Mortality's inevitable. So is immortality. I don't see a contradiction there, though I know many do. When Henry wrote to Clare, preparing for his end by reassuring her that they would meet again, I finally burst into tears.

If they're worthy of their stars, soulmates do indeed say:

"When I am dead. Stop waiting and be free. Of me – put me deep inside you and then go out in the world and live. Love the world and yourself in it, move through it as though it offers no resistance, as though the world is your natural element … live, fully, present in the world, which is so beautiful"

It's been said to me. Whether or not I've done it would be a zillion other posts. I still wait a lot. Wish that I had dates to hang onto. Like Clare.

Maybe I have work to do before it's done.